Growing up in the U.S.A.

May 16, 2008, my lucky number, my graduation day. I am graduated after enrolled in this TESOL program for two and half years! I am graduated, I can not believe this, it's been so long, but feels like a blink. My brain was close to empty in the past 6 hours, I went through the school's graduation ceremoney, the big family celebration dinner, took hundreds of pictures, said "Thank you" and smiled back to people's congradulations for hunders times, my face muscle got frozen from the smiling, I lost my hearing, seeing and feeling of things, I guess I just did not realize how real it was at that moment-the moment of graduation. I am done, completely done with school, now it's the real world, a different side of the world opening to me again, i have been long dreamed about getting out of school and getting real, I was anxious about it for quite a while, now the moment finally comes, I can not feel no more. I had been waiting for this moment for long long time, and when it happened, it all just happend too fast.

 

I am graduated, need to say goodbye to this school, to everything I am familiar with here, to my daily life routine, and to my friends soon . It's always hard to say goodbye. And I think I just haven't start thinking about it yet. Again, I think my mood is something betwwen excitement and sadness which really does not have a word to describe.

Retrieve Life

 

After an extremely bad luck day, I finally finished the biggest project in this semester. Looking at people’s smiles and hearing their compliments, I know that I did a pretty good job. ---not bad at all at the end of the day although I was going crazy and screaming earlier the day. Life plays with you all the time, don’t you agree?

 

I think I am gradually becoming that type of person who is fantastic about life itself and is trying to figure out what life truly is. It is confusing most of the time, and I do not have answers for many of the questions. Recall that I used to try very hard to seek answers, but not anymore. More and more, I tell myself: maybe the wise thing to do is just letting it go, answers may appear later as I grow.

 

I am still not sure how big a mental difference that age can do to you. I like to say that I do not see some answers is because I am still too young, but how knowledgeable and logical I will become in 5 years, 10 years? I am really curious, and too often I lose patience.

 

This is such a conflict, I am so thrilled by how life brings changes and opportunities to you as the time goes by, but I always lose patience to wait to see the differences. My impatient attitude ruins my mood for enjoying life too much.

 

Doris said it is important to go back where you are from so that you can retrieve your identity and locate your own place in the society and even your own world. I did not think that a person’s hometown is such a powerful energy pool where your scars can be healed and your scattered pieces can finally return to a whole; this power vouchsafes you a fresh man knowing how to live in a puzzled life.

 

I brought some of that power with me when I returned America, but the energy was consumed day by day. The first two months, I quit drinking coffee, took my nutrition pills on time, took baths, went to gym every day, actively participated in my classes, enjoyed chatting and hanging out with different people, enjoying every moment--- I was experiencing my favorite saying back then: life is about the moment. I have to admit that life finally wore me out, I started drinking coffee to woke myself up in the morning ( I have to say that it is really not people’s physical body who needs caffeine, it is really our mental part’s need), stopped taking my pills, have not taken bath for long time, did not go to gym for two weeks in a row, stopped talking or even listening in classes, felt anxious when walked into a strange group and hanging out with people.

 

That is why I said life plays with you sometimes, I do not know how these changes happened, I do not like them, but they came to me. Believe or not, when I was trying very hard to seek answer to this question in the past days, when I could not get a clear answer, I would like to lay the reason on my stress of the biggest project in this semester. I was mentally tied to this project since it was announced. I told myself to put up a great show for the presentation to introduce the English education in China, to inform my American classmates how big our need is on professional western teachers in China, to encourage them to go to work in China. Maybe emotionally, I put too much a burden on myself and tried to achieve too much. I am still not content with what I presented last night, and it is really hard for me to let this self-discontentment go. I was like a crazy person who lets the scenes of last night rerun again and again in my head and reframe my words over and over again.

 

Because of the impact from childhood, I love presenting on the stage and I can do it pretty well, I know the only reason is I put lots of passion and efforts when preparing. My American friends said I should be a public speaker, they wondered why my major is not public relationship or advertisement, the comments they gave to my presentation are visually appealing, informative, confident and passionate. I know that I look extremely nice to my American classmates who may not pay much attention to their appearances, and I have to add some unique flavor to my presentation every single time, I can not stand myself to be boring or formalism—never, no way, I like to be different, to make others see my differences and to make a difference in people’s mind--- I think difference makes the meaning, otherwise why people need to listen to you for something they have already known. On some aspects, I am just such a monomania.

 

I do not know myself, actually, I always observe myself like observing a completely different body. I wonder why my mood changes so many times even just in one day, sometimes I am so fulfilled with passion, and sometimes I am just so down that I do not see any meaning in the life. I like that positive one who grasps the meaning and joys of the life, who appreciates every moment. It is actually stupid to be a crying baby because you waste your time by meaningless complains and left your time in suffering feeling—nothing would be made up because of your complains. However, you can choose to be happy if focusing on any tiny joy and success in every moment. I have to say that it is good to not always look ahead.

 

Why people just can not enjoy the life they are living in, this is the only way people obtain true happiness.

 

 

October 5, 2007 in library  (Friday library—quiet, little people, most freedom)

逃离后平静回归

2007-8-13

 

距离产生美,离别后的重归使我再一次珍惜美国生活中美好的东西. 下了飞机，海关大厅黑压压的一片人，却几乎听不到人声，排在长队中的人都是安静而耐心的站着，个别亲朋好友正在交谈的，也是压低了嗓门。队伍有序而又快速的向前移动着。想着14小时前在北京机场海关口时，那种嘈杂和喧嚣，那种被无奈的挤成人肉三明治后嗅到的各种人体的气味，及无法避免的碰触到的粘稠的汗液，我不得不额外的欣赏与珍惜美国机场的这种个人空间感。中国人也不知道是祖上的哪种精神做怪，有事没事就喜欢往前挤。记得这次暑假有天跟爸妈散步回来，经过一个社区幼儿园，正好快到开园接小孩的时间，炎炎的夏日，没有一丝风，一群家长面贴背的站着，挤在一个不成形的队伍中，打头的两个人居然被人潮拥着，贴到了幼儿园的大铁门上，像八爪鱼样的攀着铁杆。我就不懂了，这接孩子又不是排队买指标肉，自家的孩子那能跑得了吗，为什么中国人只要一排队，就成了毫无理智，只会一门心思往前挤的傻子呢？

 

美国是安静的，空旷。最重要的是，这里的天空是本色的，就像云南和西藏那过的天空，有纯净的蓝天和白云，你可以顺畅的呼吸。很佩服北京人的勇猛与吃苦精神，那样恶劣的高污染的环境，他们也一天天在忍耐中过着。顺着这样的思维想下去，觉得一个像我这样安于漂泊，喜欢变化的人才是能找到最理想的生活环境的人，因为可以随时发现一个地方，去到一个地方，又可以在不满意时抽身而走。我其实挺享受这种居无定所的快乐，因为你可以毫无顾虑的以一个外乡人的身份客观的评价一个地方的好与坏，可以在对现状不满时轻松的寻求改变，可以听从自己内心深处那个最真实的声音，可以给希望，奇迹和完美创造最大的空间。

 

飞机到美国时，为了等候停机位，我们居然在机上干坐了半个多钟头，两个月前离开美国时因为类似的情况，航班也晚点了三个小时，那时是让爸爸在那边苦苦久等，这次又是JASON在这边苦苦守候。出行的人，每到一站，有守候你的人，有需要你报平安的人，这是一种幸福，我其实是一个很幸福的人，只是常常会忘记这种幸福的可贵。

 

两个月的时光就这样一晃而过，又一次回到美国的我在感叹交通工具的先进快速的同时，也在感叹时间的中立无情。两个月的中国时光，发生了那么多的故事，却又短暂得像没有发生。那一张张熟悉的，触手可及的面孔和曾经在耳边缠绵缭绕的声音都随着空间距离的瞬间跨越而迅速的远离，模糊，也许会直至消散。现在正在渐渐的明白一个道理----人生中的一些故事是需要述说者洒脱的画上句号的；一些人，一些景是不堪回首的；一些欲望是应该淡化的。 老子说，欲望这东西，来了就来了，去了就去了，浓了就浓了，淡了就淡了，凡事都可以为，却不要刻意而为。我常用此话自勉，却相信自己还没有完全读懂它的真谛，一切真知的获取都需要时间的沉淀，我拭目以待。

 

JASON对我的爱是不容置疑 ，一个能全心全意爱人的人是幸福的，同时也意味着体味最大不幸的可能。无欲则刚，这句话其实在爱情中特别受用，因为爱是一种欲望，如果不会去爱一个人，自然就不会受伤，所以爱与不爱，很难说究竟是哪种状态更好。

 

从机场走出去，JASON 抱着一个火红的I LOVE YOU 汽球冲上来，蓝色的体恤，白鞋白裤，一张修饰得没有瑕疵的脸，蓝色的大眼睛里充满了欣喜与激动。我们给对方一个紧紧的长久的拥抱，我可以明显的感受到这两个月他在健身房苦练的成果，本来就宽厚的胸膛与臂膀更加的结实有力。知道JASON 在健身的时候，一定会想到我，因为他知道我是个视觉动物，喜欢性感硬朗，看得见肌肉的身体。这是一个乐于为我而变得强壮的身体。我最喜欢给JASON 买的东西是服装与健身卡，因为我喜欢自己的男人是一个精致并有性魅力的人。我一直无法理解为什么有些女性无法忍受自己的男人与其它女人接触和看成人电影。 我觉得这是两种最有效的提高男人性魅力的途径。JASON 电脑上存的成人电影我都过目过并给出过评价, 因为我喜欢从一个女人的角度告诉男人哪一部拍得比较真实,哪一部比较弱智和垃圾. JASON在这两个月内,难辞朋友之邀,暂时接手一个成人影院网站管理员的工作(当然是美国的合法网站了).有意思的是之前那个管理员一直背着其女友做这份地下工作,被发现后自然是一顿狂风暴雨, 在反对高压下不得不退出那个网站. 网站创立者便在论坛询问JASON我对成人电影的态度,得到的答案是”she loves them”后, 那个论坛里的人便对JASON穷追不舍,一致选举与力推他做网站管理员.众望难负, JASON便答应在暑假内暂兼此职。

 

回到家后看到的是重新摆放的家具，一尘不染的地板，重修的粉色的卫生间，厨房里放着一个JASON有生以来第一次烤的大蛋糕，上头写着“to my love, welcome home.” 那么多精心设计的细节，这么温馨的小屋。

 

在粉刷一新的粉色温暖的浴池中和JASON一起洗泡泡浴，将他结实的胸膛当枕头，听着在中国淘到的人声低音炮的音乐，随着水波荡漾的节奏摩擦着他的身体，在安静中不需要说话，这是一种任何人都期望凝固的幸福。

 

洗完澡后的我真的很累了，进入似睡非似的半真实状态。身旁的JASON在我耳边喃喃的低语，诉说着72天里对我的思念。化不开的浓情蜜语让我全身湿透。当JASON在我体内游走时, 我进入了一种超现实的状态, 糊乱的低语着, “where are we? In a park. We are in a park” 现在我知道,在我的潜意识里,乐园,就像去年去过的美国迪斯尼乐园,是孩童,纯真的天堂,是冒险与刺激的乐园, 是一个可以将一切烦恼抛之脑后, 在浪费时间中享受时间的地方，是我意识中的幸福世界。